hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
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Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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