now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
