Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
