he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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