Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
