Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize