So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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