the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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