I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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