I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
