I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
