I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
