Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
