Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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