this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
