I hope mine doesn't look like that
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
