She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
