I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize