It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
