Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
