I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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