Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize