can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
