just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
