no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
