Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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