I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
