I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
