Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
