going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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