So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
