Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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