Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
