Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
