I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Small penises have feelings too.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
