dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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