We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.