I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
