Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
