I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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