So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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