Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
