btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
