what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
