remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
