my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
