I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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