That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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