WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
