mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
