The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
