I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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