I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
