Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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