so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
