Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
